Tuesday, May 1, 2007By NostraDennis
"Good morning, passenger, and welcome to US Air Flight 1643, with service from LaGuardia Airport to Charlotte, North Carolina, on through to New Orleans, Louisiana on US Air Flight 1503. My name is Jane Jarvis, and I'll be your flight crew chief for today's travel. Our scheduled departure time is 6:40 am, and our arrival at our final destination of New Orleans is scheduled for 10:11 am. Plenty of time to chart pitches for Adam Bostick in tonight's game against the Round Rock Express."
"After locating your seat, please be sure to stow your baggage in the overhead cabin compartments. If your earned run average cannot fit in the overhead compartment, please notify our flight crew, and they'll be sure to take care of it with the respect and care it deserves."
"Our weather forecast today is for mostly clearing skies. In case you slept through it, we had an unusual amount of turbulence last night in the third and fourth innings, but that's passed through our area, and sunny days are ahead. We've picked up an unexpected tailwind coming out of Atlanta, and expect to be following behind it for the immediate future; the next few hours, at least."
"Please turn your attention to our flight attendants, Tommy G and Pedro, who will demonstrate how to throw a third strike past a pitcher with two outs in an inning. Notice their follow-through, and the understated, yet forceful way in which they pump their fists after achieving their goal."
"Keep in mind that in the event of an emergency, your career can be used as a flotation device. If your career begins to sink, please consider letting it go."
"Our in-flight entertainment is the movie "Can't Anybody Here Play This Game?", starring Jerry Stiller as Casey Stengel and Brad Garrett as Marvelous Marv Throneberry. We'll also be handing out complimentary ear-buds, if you choose instead to listen to ESPN Radio on XM Satellite....excuse me...on the advice of the captain, we won't be passing out those ear-buds this morning. We don't want to upset any of our passenger with a recap of last night's, um, unpleasantness. Oh, that reminds me - we're also out of air sickness bags on this flight."
"There will be no meal service on this flight. We will be serving just a quick cup of coffee."
"If you look out the window to your right, across the Grand Central Parkway, you can see Shea Stadium, home of the New York Mets professional baseball club. Take a good look, because with any luck, this will be the last you see of this ball park."
"Passenger, please keep in mind that this is a one-way flight on through to New Orleans. No return flight information to New York/La Guardia Airport is available at this time, and none is expected in the immediate future."
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