By Chuck Rothman
"Welcome to SN, the Santana Network, all Santana rumors, all the time. We're here to recap the latest of rumors from blogs and newspapers and all sorts of people who have no idea what the real situation is. We'll talk to general managers who have no involvement with the situation, and fans who couldn't find Minnesota on a map, for the latest story on what is or is not happening."
"Remember our motto, Bruce: no rumor too outlandish, no trade too ridiculous."
"Certainly right, Tom. So how does the latest news stand?"
"The Mets are clearly the leaders, unless they're not. The Yankees have dropped out of the race -- until they announce otherwise -- because they can't compete with the Red Sox, who aren't interested except that they are. The Angels are ready to join in the chase, unless they aren't, because the Twins aren't going to trade Santana anyway. Unless they are."
"You've summed it up quite accurately, Bruce. But why are the Twins so intent on trading Santana?"
"From the secret recording I heard today, they want him to change his evil ways, or they'll stop loving him."
"Wrong Santana, Bruce."
"Why does that matter? There's also a report out of Chicago by way of Anaheim, Azuza, and Cucamonga that the Twins are ready to trade Santana to the Mets for the entire New York Mets team."
"That's an old George Carlin joke, Bruce."
"Some things never go out of style."
"But why is everyone so interested in Santana? They can get him as a free agent next year."
"Well, the reports I've been getting, Tom, is that it's because he's so smooth."
"Wrong Santana again."
"Wait a minute, Tom. This just in. The New York Knicks have joined the sweepstakes, and are working hard on an offer."
"The Knicks? Santana doesn't even play basketball. Who would think that was a good idea?"
"I guess some black magic woman told him -- "
"But does Thomas know the difference?"
"Good point, Tom. Well, that's the news for now. After the commercial break, we'll repeat the rumors, with our exclusive rundown of any rumor about Santana since he was six years old."
"And if any actual news is reported, we'll be here with it."
"We wouldn't want that, Tom. It'd put us out of business."