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The Blue and Orange Knight

NostraDennisFriday, August 29, 2008
By NostraDennis


(with apologies to Monty Python)

Sir James and his trusty servant Phanatic "ride" along through the woods, Phanatic smacking together two cheesesteaks and making a rhythmic "clop-clop" noise. They come to a stream in a clearing, where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant wooden bats. One is dressed in dark blue and red, and wearing a feathered headdress. The other is dressed in blue and orange. Sir James stops and watches the fight.

The two knights attempt to maul each other with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, after what seems like fourteen years, the dark blue knight charges the Blue and Orange knight with a tomahawk. The Blue and Orange knight thrusts his sword through the slit in the dark blue knight's helmet. The dark blue knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The Blue and Orange knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet.

Sir James, impressed with this display of skill, motions to Phanatic and they "ride" forward.

Sir James: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
(The Blue and Orange knight does not respond)
Sir James: I am Sir James of Rollins, ruler of these woods.
(no response)
Sir James: I seek to reclaim the Crown of the East.
(no response)
Sir James: You have proved yourself a worthy adversary.
(still no response)
Sir James: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Phanatic!

As Sir James and Phanatic start to ride past the Blue and Orange knight, he suddenly speaks:

Blue and Orange Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Sir James (taken aback): What did you say?
Blue and Orange Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Sir James: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge to claim the crown that is my birthright.
Blue and Orange Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Sir James: I command you, as ruler of these woods and defender of the Crown of the East, to stand aside.
Blue and Orange Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN.
Sir James: So be it! (he draws his sword)

The first short battle ensues. Sir James, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the Blue and Orange knight. Finally, Sir James
dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the Blue and Orange knight's left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from his open shoulder.

Sir James: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Blue and Orange Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Sir James: A SCRATCH? You've lost two outfielders and a catcher!
Blue and Orange Knight: No I didn't!
Sir James: Yes, you did!
Blue and Orange Knight: I've had worse.
Sir James: You LIAR!
Blue and Orange Knight: Come on, you pansy! Scared?

An even shorter battle follows, at the end of which Sir James easily cuts off the Blue and Orange knight's right arm, causing it and the Blue and Orange knight's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump. Sir James drops to the ground, kneeling in prayer.

Sir James: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy--
He is kicked onto his side by the Blue and Orange knight.

Blue and Orange Knight: Come on, then! (kicking Sir James again)
Sir James: (on the ground) What?!?
Blue and Orange Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you!
Sir James: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine!
Blue and Orange Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh?
Sir James: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Blue and Orange Knight: Yes I have!
Sir James: LOOK at yourself!
Blue and Orange Knight: It's just a flesh wound! Just another catcher and a second baseman (he kicks Sir James again)
Sir James: Look, STOP that!
Blue and Orange Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
Sir James: Look, I'll have your leg!
(The Blue and Orange Knight continues his kicking)
Sir James: RIGHT! (He chops off the Blue and Orange knight's leg with his sword)
Blue and Orange Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that!
Sir James: You'll *WHAT*?
Blue and Orange Knight: Come 'ere! That's just my closer. I can fight without my closer.
Sir James (tiring of this): What're you going to do, bleed on me?
Blue and Orange Knight: On occasion, yes...but I'm INVINCIBLE!!!
Sir James: You're a looney....
Blue and Orange Knight: The Blue and Orange Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!
(he continues to hop around, trying to kick Sir James with his one remaining leg)

Sir James sighs, shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Blue and Orange Knight's last limb. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move.

Blue and Orange Knight: Okay, we'll call it a draw.
Sir James: Come, Phanatic! (they "ride" away)

Blue and Orange Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough of me, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you nin-com-POOP!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

About Dennis McCarthy: I was born in the Bronx in 1960, but moved to Long Island four years later. I became a Mets fan in '69, thanks to my Aunt Ellen, who still lived in the Bronx.   Read More -->

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Comments (3)

We apologise for the fault in the ending of this parody. Those responsible have been sacked.

Mynd you, Daniel Møørphy bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

Needs more.......Tim.

Ray- You've just been sacked.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tim - The movie treatment is with my boys in Burbank, and once we iron out points and residuals, it's a green light. Of course, we got Morgan Freeman as Jerry Manuel, Shia LaBeouf as David Wright, Matthew Fox as John Maine, and Pedro Cerrano as Carlos Delgado.

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